This week I have the privilege of introducing another guest poster to coveredindust: Michelle Brown! I've known Michelle online for about 5 years and offline for about 3 years. Where did we first meet? Right here! Michelle is a long-time regular at coveredindust and very much a woman of great integrity. Her wisdom and discernment are tried and true as is her taste in SciFi (seriously, Battlestar Galactica is one of the BEST shows to have ever graced the small screen).
A week or so ago, I tweeted the following: "This is what models really look like: http://t.co/dS6600NC" with a link leading to a severely anorexic model with the "perfect face" but very much physically unhealthy. This led to a very engaging conversation about men and women and the standard that Christian men consider "acceptable" for women. Our dialog went deep and it was real, VERY real.
I asked Michelle to gather her thoughts and her experiences as they pertain to Christian men, and Christian men in leadership. Her insight was challenging for me but a very needed perspective into how we as men interact with our female counterparts in life and leadership.
So to you men: listen now with open, unattached curiosity saturated with grace and mercy.
And to you women: listen with empathy and encouragement.
Michelle, the stage is yours...
(EDIT: at the author's request, the following content has been updated)
I am a 46-year old woman who has been a Christian since her early 20's, who spent 20 plus years working in the glittering sphere of media ministry, and who is the eternal sister. I would consider being a sister to be a blessing - someone who is dearly loved and enjoyed - except that I have observed how men are with their "sisters in Christ." Too often sisters are treated as disposable. Interchangeable. An after-thought. Certainly not valued or protected or cared for. Their presence isn't sought, unless they show that they can be useful, like a good servant of Christ. Only then are sisters handy to know and have around. Otherwise, if a Christian woman doesn't look like a nice church girl version of a model, or actress, or porn star (yes, I did say it!) then she's not really worth knowing. Her heart, who she is on the inside, who God made her to be, isn't valued much. There's nothing precious about an average woman. And men don't date their sisters.
Being a leader in the church doesn't diminish the way women are devalued. Actually, it can create a greater opportunity for the single male to meet single women and perpetuate the problem. A man being a leader in the church can make him seem more attractive. But leadership does not equal maturity.
Perhaps that's why Paul, in 1 Timothy 3, describes leaders in the church as married men. A married man has had to learn to do life unselfishly and courageously with a person who is, at the core, very other from him - a woman. If a man fails here, there are ripples that impact other lives in other spheres. Of course, many times that failure happens before the marriage even gets started. That failure is founded when a man is single, when he can be as selfish and shallow as he wants.
I believe all of the above because I have watched it play out in the different communities of which I've been a part over the years. I've been on the receiving end of men's callous behavior, and I've watched other women experience it, too. I've heard their stories. I'm not the person people invite to go play, I'm the one who is the listening ear whenever there's heartache.
I'm the one who has watched the party girls - those women who have invested incredible amounts of time, energy and resources into becoming the most sexually appealing they possibly can - bounce from man to man to man to man. These are women who use their bodies and words and ways to entice and entrap. And men love it! Their very own good-time church Barbie dolls. Women become that because that's what men want. If a woman doesn't have what it takes to become Church-Time Barbie then a woman is simply not good enough because she is too average.
An average woman doesn't stand a chance. Most women know that. She particularly doesn't stand a chance with the good-looking, popular, athletic guys. That kind of man would never pursue an average woman who wrestles with her weight, has skin problems and a muffin top, and can be socially awkward. They'll be the "brother" of the average woman and tell her, "Really, there is someone out there for you." If you think about it, that's tantamount to saying, "You're not good enough for me but there is some poor schlub out there who you are good enough for." But those poor schlubs chase after Church-Time Barbie, too.
Let me tell you boys something about Church-Time Barbie -- you won't be able to make her happy. She's not able to be emotionally available to you. But she will bask in the attention you give her. She will purr out her pre-programmed and well-practiced sweetness, designed to make you feel good. She will entice. She will seduce. You will give chase, then get hooked, then heartbroken. Because she's looking for more than a mere mortal man. She feels entitled to something more. A real, human man won't make her happy because she's looking for Church-Time Ken.
This is the way the world operates. This is the way the world thinks. The church is no better.
The way that Christian men devalue women is rather symptomatic of how church leaders treat the Body of Christ at large. Whether it be an attitude that says that sin is no big deal so the church can defile herself as she pleases, or an attitude that turns the church into a workhorse who is worn thin by her labor, neither perspective sees the Bride of Christ as a beautiful being to be honored, cherished, nurtured and protected. Both completely miss the heart of God.
Do you think God is okay with the way men devalue women? Is He okay with how women devalue themselves because they want men's attention? Women especially were created for relationship and to need attention. Eve was created for Adam, so his loneliness could be eased and so they, together, could represent God's image in creation. The fall messed things up, but Christ is supposed to redeem us from the fall. Belonging to Him and following Him is supposed to make a difference. It doesn't seem to, though.
I have a really, really hard time believing much of what Christianity is supposed to be about because I have watched how Christian men are. It makes it so difficult to believe that God is good, that He loves His daughters, when it seems He is so very okay with how the men are toward their sisters in Christ. I left community and stopped going to church because of a man. I have struggled to keep from walking away from God because of Christian men.
Every time a Christian man, especially a leader in the church, behaves in a way that devalues a woman it's like being back in the Garden all over again. Adam steps aside and lets Satan have his way with Eve, and all of Creation is subject to death and destruction as a result.
To the men who have read this and are angered or offended by what I've written, who protest that I'm just hurt and my perspective is skewed: Prove. Me. Wrong.
And while you're doing that, I think you'll see that an average woman will appreciate your attention in a way that Church-Time Barbie cannot. She will respond in ways, and love you in ways, that Church-Time Barbie cannot. Because while Church-Time Barbie has been investing her energies into becoming the perfect specimen of arm and eye candy so she can hook Church-Time Ken, the average woman - that sister in Christ you so easily dismiss - has been learning to love God and try to see humans through His eyes. She has been working through her own damaged humanity, bravely plumbing the depths of her brokenness, so she can love others well and be a good gift to them. Her flaws, her imperfections, are what drive her to the foot of the Cross.
So while you're considering my challenge, consider this question, too: With whom would you rather do life and grow old?
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composed by
dave
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