Wrestle: to contend, as in a struggle for mastery; grapple.
I wrestle with God.
I struggle.
I question.
I respect and obey authority over me, especially that of Christ, but often I question said authority. Honestly, I do not do so from a pious, self-filled aristocracy, but in a struggle against my own will.
Tonight, I wrestle.
There is a splinter in my heart and mind that pierces my soul.
I dread the future without this struggle.
It is a challenge to deal with the darkness beyond my own skin but more of a sad tale to deal with the darkness that is harbored within my flesh. This will, this glory-stealing, self-preserving, deity-dethroning will persists to sabotage the peace and freedom that is mine through the blood of my Savior, Jesus.
The questions bombard my soul like a heavyweight prize fighter in the third round. I swoon, attempting to dodge each swing but with barely enough stamina to swing back. I take a right hook followed by a body blow. Aching and in pain from the barrage, I reel backwards, shaking my head hoping to clear the double vision from my sight as I desperately, hopelessly seek reprieve from the onslaught...
"Why don't I smile as much anymore and why am I not as happy? At what point did I give up my joy?"
"How come it is easier for me to be okay with you when my bank account is plentiful, God? Why do I have to struggle financially? Can't I pursue You and money at the same time? Why is it always one or the other? I hate this rollercoaster."
"Why do I place so much value on my physical appearance? I am so vain and I don't like that about myself."
"How come my being a daddy weighs so heavily on me? Why don't I cherish my boy like I once used to? This tears me apart, God."
"I blame myself for my wife's stress, but what can I do about it? No one would hire me and still won't. I feel worthless. Why can't I do what I love and what I was born to do AND provide for my family? How come that isn't in Your plan?"
"Why am I so impatient?"
"Why do I falsely believe that I am defined by my career status? I know this is a lie but why does it haunt me and taunt me?"
"I'm not a fun guy to be around anymore. This sucks. What happened?"
With a broken right rib and swollen-shut left eye, I now stand as firm as a drunken sailor aboard a wind-tossed vessel. The world around me is spinning, hazy. The ringing in my ears is accompanied only by the beating of my heart which has now drown out the muffled, taunting crowd. Shielding my face, my opponent lunges at me again... body... head... body. Blood, my blood, stains the mat below mixed with sweat and tears. This epic struggle is taking it's toll.
My soul is weary.
I seek rest.
Where can I go?
"[Jesus said] Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28, NIV
"Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." Psalm 62:8, NIV
So I collapse at your feet, Jesus, and confess to you in the darkest of night my deepest insecurities, worries, and wounds. I surrender to you their grasp on my heart and the poison that they inflict on my soul. I have no where else to turn but to you. Who is like you my God, my Savior? What other god has pursued me? Tell me. When have they cared enough to carry my burdens? There is none like you. You are my portion and my strength. Arise, O Holy One and defend me. In You, I am made whole. In You, I find rest. In You, In You...
O Lord bless me and keep me
Cause Your face to shine on me
Lord be gracious
Cause Your face to shine on me
Lord be gracious
Lift the light of Your countenance
Give me peace
For I live only to see Your face
So shine on me
For I live only to see Your face
So shine on me
Let the light of Your face
Shine down on my heart
And let me feel it
Light of Your Face - Jesus Culture (video)