For my last post, I invited Michelle Brown to guest post on CoveredInDust because of a Facebook conversation that I felt needed a broader audience to begin a conversation of reconciliation.

This post is a response to my post, Church-Time Barbie.

We're broken-- you, me, all of us.

No, not in the "we need to be fixed" kinda way. It's more like we've all been wounded, hurt, discouraged, let down, and mistreated. And people who have experienced this tend to reciprocate this brokenness towards others. We unknowingly collude with one another exchanging hurt with more hurt, pain with more pain, and wounds with more wounds. It's an epidemic.

Sadly, the same is true in church world. Yes, Christians have been rescued from the muck and mire of our rebellion against God and redeemed to live a new life. This is true. Remorsefully though, most Christians don't even know what to do with the freedom we've been granted or just how truly abundant our freedom is. So we settle for what we've known. We have a hard time seeing what could be and settle for what is. Old patterns emerge. Previous desires become dominant again. The cycle continues.

We become stuck. In this sense, we're all broken... even Christians.

But there's something plastic and hollow about how we try to remedy this brokenness and Michelle pointed to it in her confession. We try to make the exterior presentation of ourselves look good while neglecting the interior life.

And it makes sense, doesn't it?! Dealing with our own junk is hard work! It's easier for us to assume control once we are rescued from the filth of our former lives than it is to allow God through His now indwelling Spirit to continue to remake us.

And it's a scary prospect to look back into that dark Shadow of our false self to see what we wish weren't true. The darkness of who we were is true but not truest. Who Jesus says we are is now the real and our most authentic self and that is the core truth that we must cling to.

The men and women who are truly filled with light are those who have gazed deeply into the darkness of their own imperfect existence. -Brennan Manning, The Furious Longing of God

It's easy to become Church-Time Ken! You know, the guy that says all the right things at exactly the right time, knows all the right people; dresses for success... all the time; only uses approved "Christian" swear words like dang it, geeze, and gosh; and always has a smile on his face. He always serves on a Saturday; watches football on a Sunday (after going to church, of course); leads a Bible study during the week; and always has a "word from the Lord" for every situation. In fact, his knowledge of the Bible is second to none because when he's asked what book is his favorite... it's always the Bible.

Yeah, I'm not hating on guys here. I'm confessing! That used to be me... and, at times, still is. In some ways, I've contributed to the mess that Michelle pointed to when she wrote about Church-Time Barbie.

You see, I grew up churched.

There were a lot of do's and don'ts that I "had" to adhere to if I was going to impress a good, Christian girl which, of course, was what I was supposed to do. I could court (not date, that's evil of course) anyone from any socio-economic background, ethnicity, hair color, build, stature, heritage... as long as they were a Christian. And I get that. I don't disagree. But, remember, I was churched. So the girls wore modest clothing, acted proper, always studied the Bible, consulted Scripture before making a decision on whether we should get more intimate... yadda, yadda, yadda.

How do I get the attention of a girl like that? Would everything become a theological dissertation of Scriptural "rightness"? Do I even want a girl like that? Fortunately for me, I had a Biblical first name. That helps, or so I hear. I'm kidding. What had me even question whether I even wanted to pursue Church-Time Barbie was the perspective of what a future might look like with some one of her caliber.

From my view, the starched life of etiquette and poise would have me fine pressed and pleated that not a wrinkle of my personality and wild heart would be allowed in our relationship. This idea made my chest cave in and the air escape from my lungs.

Put on the happy face. Volunteer often. Set aside my dreams for what's practical. Become some thing I'm not.

Ken, they wanted Ken! Not me.

And that was the problem: the girls I knew were so interested in doing what's right they forgot how to do what's real. In my experience of them, they abandoned their own hearts for living right instead of living rightly. They didn't discern for themselves. They could only regurgitate some rhetoric that their pastor said or some "I kissed dating goodbye" hotty gave them.

If my history with women taught me one thing it's this: good, Christian girls weren't interested in a guy who frakked up every now, who sought a life of adventure and intrigue and who loved Star Trek as much as his mom.

I tried to date them. One broke my heart on Valentines Day by giving me a "Dear Johnny" letter. Another just let our relationship fade into nothingness. Who knows, we may still be dating?! Another swore her undying love to me, dreamt of the day we would be married, then dumped me leaving my heart wounded and untrusting. So much for "forever".

The last one really pulled it all together. We became great friends which naturally morphed into a mutual affection toward one another. She was fun, popular and beautiful-- the perfect Church-Time Barbie! Knowing the fragility of my heart, she navigated the sea of my soul whimsically enrapturing me with her feminine guile. She loved me. I thought. She dreamt too of a day when we would be married. She spoke my language-- Klingon. It was perfect.

Then, one more glorious Valentines Day, this good, Christian woman dumped me. Why? I never found out. She let our friendship and companionship fade into oblivion... with my crushed heart in the wake of her escapades.

If she's somehow reading this now, I'm not angry anymore. I got over our relationship 15 years ago. But please, no matter how petty it may seem, would you let me know what happened?

So, I gave up on them. I dated a Catholic. Oh, didn't I mention that I was a protestant and that dating a Catholic was like rejecting your faith? Convinced that history would repeat itself, I was timid with this new girl, guarded. I hated her. I loved her. I courted her. I dated her. We were friends. We were enemies. Eventually, she became my wife. And, eventually, she became a Christ-follower. And, she's a wild one. She's untamed and passionate. She reminds me of what I read in scripture when I hear about the Holy Spirit.

But she was never a Church-Time Barbie. She had junk, lots of it. And most of it undealt with until after she became a Christ-follower 9 years ago. That's when life got more... colorful.

You see, trying to be a Church-Time Ken only granted me access to Church-Time Barbie. Meanwhile, on the fringes of "perfect and polished", there existed a sea of feminine Beauties looking for their brave masculine match.

The question I still wrestle with that I believe most men wonder is this: am I man enough to be her man. The woman who gazes deeply into the darkness of her own imperfect existence is worthy of a man who has done the same. A man who has embraced the Shadow of his false, poser self and has made peace with his demons. Know this, that doesn't eradicate them from his life. He is fallible. Oh, and he will fail, brilliantly! But he is honest about his shortcomings and remains true to his design.  Not hollow. Not a shell of a man. And that's what I had become as Church-Time Ken.

And that's really it, isn't it?! This whole conversation about Church-Time whomever. It's about the poser us versus the real us. It's about where we direct our affections. To put it in more religious terms, it's about our worship.

Worship is our response to that which we value most.

For me, it was about intimacy. That's what I truly wanted. But intimacy isn't code for sex. Intimacy for me is to be seen and accepted for my Glory and Shadow. Just as I am. No pretense. No posing.

But that's not what I found. Furthermore, I thought a woman could grant that to me.
What I found was religiosity. Religiosity says that I need to get cleaned up, put together, polished, shaved, coiffed, plucked, & buffed. Be who you want just don't mess up... or at least keep it quiet and hide it well, suppress it.

Even in church world we still fear rejection and the need to put on a front; to desire what we know is not inline with what is deeply true of us. So we chase the wrong guy/gal, we hang with the wrong friends. We desperately want to be accepted and loved as we are and for who we are.


As Brennan Manning put it in Abba's Child:

In futile attempts to erase our past, we deprive the community of our healing gift. If we conceal our wounds out of fear or shame, our inner darkness can neither be illuminated nor become a light for others.

We crave community where we can be seen and accepted just as we are. Then, to be loved and romanced with intimacy for who we are. But to do this, we must reject the notion of continuing to live in the Matrix of pre-programmed relationships and begin to interact with one another differently.

This will take time.


And it is possible.




If you desire to deepen in your journey as a woman toward the beauty of your design, check out The Destiny Project.

If you seek to boldly set forth on an adventure as a man toward the hero you were created to be, check out The BraveHeart Intensive.