There is a beauty that I deny my heart.
I have allowed darkness and Shadows to rule my heart's thirst for beauty for more years than I care to admit. If I'm counting correctly, 24 years... at least.
I have found myself enslaved by a prison of my own design. I have been held captive by a wound that reduces beauty to either something for my consuming or for my disposal. Yet the desire to admire this beauty-- be captivated by it, behold it-- remains.
My culture tells me that I have a carnal desire that is normal and needs expression, demands it actually. If I don't give in to this craving, I'm less of a man.
My religion tells me that I have a carnal desire that is normal and needs extermination, demands it actually. If I don't give in to this eradication, I'm depraved.
Then my heart speaks up and yearns for something more than either can offer. My heart longs to gaze deeply into the eyes of a woman and behold her soul. My heart desires to gaze upon her form and be seduced by her curvature. My heart is eager to survey the canvas of her body admiring the intricacies of her design-- every nook and cranny, every peak and valley-- as if she were a painting by Monet or a sculpture by Michelangelo. And to let the scent of her linger in my nostrils, upon my clothes... that would be a delight.
Then, there is The Wound. The Wound that pierces this desire from the Shadows and seeks to criminalize my heart. The Wound that interprets beauty as something lustful. The Wound that must consume beauty, not applaud it's Creator.
And a culture that would gladly allow me to give full vent to my every whim. And a religion that would gladly sterilize this longing.
But she was meant for more. She is woman. She is not a thing to be had or a wrongful ambition. She is a well-matched equal and helper. She is strong and courageous. She is feminine and lovely.
My heart has been made new and every claim being made against it-- against me-- has been disarmed. My heart is now good. And its desires are good.
There is a beauty that I no longer wish to deny my heart.
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composed by
dave
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